Self-discovering experience

A tinge of red sparkled from his eyes as he shut them in what seemed to me a desperate attempt to feel the vibes of the song. When the guy’s lids finally opened I was able to distinguish his blood-shot eyes. His gaze was directed to me, yet I was invisible to his eyes. All he could see was darkness, all he could hear were bits of broken tunes and all he could smell was the intense cigarette smoke surrounding him like a wave dragging him down in the depths of the ocean.

Next to him, a not older than 18 years old girl was desperately shaking her body obviously seeking masculine attention. Cigarette ends were nonchalantly threw on the floor, forming a damp carpet all around her. The almost empty bottle of Vodka in her hand completed her vulgar look, meticulously conceived to highlight her young body.

And there was me. I was supposed to dance, dance as carefree as possible, let myself driven away by the sound of the music, yet somehow that seemed impossible. All I could do was to survey everyone around me. They were all so close to me I could sense their breath, but even so they were assuredly further away than I could have possibly imagined. Their minds were deliberately cast away, only to let their bodies enraptured by the endless night.

What was I doing there? And why couldn’t I just savor the delectable night like everybody else? It was not so long ago when such a party would rejoice me, so what changed? All I could think of was that I had no business there, that I did not belong there. It was simply not me.

I told my friend that I did not enjoy it. She easily understood and amiably departed regardless of the fact that she was enjoying the place. Nevertheless I gained something from this experience. I learned something about me, something that I had to live in order to understand.

And this is what I believe in: discovering yourself. You have to do things you might not enjoy so much, only to test your reactions, record your feelings and draw another line in the portraits we’re all sketching of ourselves. It is only after you thoroughly understand yourself and explore the depths of your mind that you can live in harmony with yourself.

Therefore, another piece in my life’s puzzle has finally found its place.


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